the start of the holidays. how i sometimes dread holidays. just 3 months ago ... it happened. i was miserable as hell. somehow, i feel it all over again. even with the chain of events that is happening to me now. i dont know what to do anymore. i just dont.

i told her that it was not a good idea that both of us be in a relationship. i thought long and hard about it and if it continues, or even starts, it would end up bad. she wished id come out of my shell and see how beautiful is it outside. i have been a burden to her ever since she knew me. i dont know how one person can absorb so much crap from me. its either she is really dumb or really in love with me to block all negativity out. i mean, she even took me somewhere when i was really down and made me the most happiest man in that place. i just dont understand anything anymore. i just dont want to hurt anyone anymore. i feel guilty even though bad things happen and its not my fault.

i just feel that everything i do or not do is my fault. either right or wrong. the world spins, but i cant keep up with it. the past is still here, haunting me with every move i made. last night i called her and switchfoot's on fire was on. jac used to play that song so often i feel that i was in her room again. it felt so awkward being on the phone and thinking of two things at once, maybe the most wonderful thing in my life and the past. i think im just blinded by love and the past.

miserable as hell i will be. sometimes i feel like im meant to live and die alone.

rick.